Dog River Vice/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: You look tired. Are you sleepin' enough? Brent Leroy: Four, maybe five hours a night. Emma Leroy: You should lay off the coffee. Brent: I need it. Emma: Why? Brent: I only sleep four, maybe five hours a night. Emma: Too much coffee's bad for you. Lacey: Says who? Emma: Says here. Lacey: Ukrainian Dance Night? Emma: Next to that. It says you're not supposed to have more than three cups. Brent: Three cups? That's for preschoolers or something. And they get naptime. Lacey: Everybody deserves a vice, Emma. Brent: Exactly. Lacey: Sex, drugs, coffee. Let Brent have at least one of those. Brent: I can never tell if you're on my side or not. Karen Pelly: Don't you wish there was more action around here? Davis Quinton: Nope. Karen: Nothing ever happens. Davis: Nothing is what the town expects from us and that's exactly what we deliver. Karen: I just thought when I became a cop I'd get to do more, earn people's respect. Davis: I thought I'd get to have a dog. Can we get a dog? Karen: No. Davis: You're just mad 'cause I made fun of your hairdo. Karen: You didn't make fun of my hairdo. Davis: I'll do it later. Get off my back. Brent: I'll tell you what, Mom. You quit your vice and I'll quit mine. Wanda Dollard: What vice, belching? Brent: That's not a vice, that's a gift. Emma: His vice is coffee. I don't have a vice. Brent: You knit. It's a compulsion. You knit like it's goin' out of style, which it actually did some time ago. Emma: Knitting never hurt anyone. Old Woman: Now, how did I do that? Wanda: Are you proposing a bet, a competition to mutually eliminate maladaptive impulses? Brent: What do you say, Mom? Up for a little mutual mallard adaptive thingy? Emma: I quit knitting, you quite coffee? Done. Brent: All right, bring it on. You're goin' down. Wanda: Did you just threaten your mother? Brent: She started it. Hank Yarbo: What's that? Lacey: It's a late birthday present from my cousin. Hank: Oh, I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. Lacey: The present's late, my cousin's fine. Hank: Hey, bubble stuff. I love bubble stuff. Lacey: How old are you? Okay, leave some for me. They're my bubbles. Hank: Whoa. Is that one of those electronic organizer things? Lacey: Yeah. I don't really want it. You know, they control your time, every minute and every day counted for. Hank: Step into the '90s. Lacey: You know what? It sounds like you could use it. Take it. Hank: Really? Cool. Lacey: Happy Birthday. Hank: It's not my birthday. Maybe you should get one of these. Lacey: Hey, don't take my bubble stuff. Davis: Hey, Karen. Remember how you were whining and complaining about how you wanted respect? Karen: No. Davis: Yeah, you whined and complained and carried on. Karen: Okay, yes, I remember. Davis: Well, the solution's one word, ridealong. Or is that three words? Karen: How does that help? Davis: Ridealong. Okay, one long word. Well, people don't understand us because they haven't walked in our shoes. We have to invite them in. Karen: Into our shoes? Davis: No, to ride along in the patrol car. We get respect by reaching out. Karen: I don't know. Remember what happened the last time you reached out? Davis: Hi, kids. I'm Constable McWoof. Uh, don't do drugs. Davis: Fear is close to respect. Oscar Leroy: You can't hack it, can ya? Emma: Shut up. Oscar: It's just a few hours and already you've got the urge to knit. I'd love to have seen how Brent suckered you into this. Emma: I suckered him, okay? Oscar: Maybe I should do a hobby, huh? I'll start knittin'. Would that bother you if I knitted, right in front of ya? Ah, I'll do it later. Emma: It's TV that does it. I'm used to knitting while I watch TV. Oscar: Well, let's do somethin' else, then. I'm tired of watchin' that Ben Mulroney. No talent. Ben Mulroney: Next on eTalk Daily, I juggle fire while riding a unicycle. Emma: All right, let's go out. What do you want to do? Oscar: I don't know. What's goin' on? Hank: Look at this. I got my whole day mapped out. 1:00pm, hang out at Corner Gas, 2:00 p.m., eat chips. Wanda: That thing's turned you into a real go-getter. Hank: 4:00pm, hang out at Corner Gas. Wanda: Oh, um, can you rebook to 5:00? That's when I get off. Hank: Oh, I don't know. I, uh, I don't think it's a good idea to keep bouncing Corner Gas around the schedule. Nap in 59 minutes. Huh? Wanda: Maybe you should lay down now. Karen: So how's this work? We have to take everybody who signed up for a ride in the squad car? Davis: No. We just pick the best one, the cream of the crop. Karen: Okay. But I get to pick. Davis: Fine. But pick the cream. Karen: Okay, I choose Hank. Davis: That's not the cream. That's the crop, the least creamy part of the crop. Karen: Seriously, Hank's the cream. Lacey: Hey. So how's your little contest going? Brent: Oh, you heard about that, did ya? Lacey: You stop buying coffee, it shows on my balance sheet. Are you sure you can quit? You drink a lotta... Brent: Don't push your stuff on me, Rico. I'm clean. Lacey: You're gonna go through caffeine withdrawal. Brent: I'll be fine. Two large Cokes, please. Ah, tryptophan. That'll help. Yeah, I suppose it has been rough. But it's worse on Mom. In a few more hours she'll be miserable. Brent: Geez, I dreamt I had an alarm clock. I should get one of those. Karen: Okay, Hank, you get to come on one patrol. But remember that if... Hank: Shotgun. Davis: He called it. Hank: Oh, speaking of that... Karen: You're not getting a gun. Davis: If anything goes down, we'll share mine. Hank: Oh, be right back. Bathroom break. Karen: Yeah, this is gonna work great. Davis: Hey, you picked him. Wanda: Well, well, good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Brent: I know, I'm late. Wanda: What's the matter? The prince didn't show up to give you a kiss? Brent: I slept in. Wanda: Pea under the royal mattress keep you up all night? Brent: Okay, I get it. Wanda: Were the seven dwarves too noisy as they cobbled your new shoes? Brent: I think maybe you're mashin' a couple fairy tales together there. Wanda: Ah, tell it to your pumpkin, Rapunzel. Hank: Thanks for lettin' me wear your gun belt, Davis. Davis: It's all a part of the experience. Hey, this thing has a world clock. It's 8:30 in Taipei. Hank: Not a lotta crime out here. Davis: It's 'cause we're here. Karen: Isn't that like hiring someone to keep away alligators in the middle of the city and then when someone says there's no alligators in the middle of the city, you say, "Well, it worked, then"? Hank: There's alligators in the sewers in the city. Davis: Hey. In Rotterdam it's tomorrow already. It makes ya think. Brent: Hey, why was I standing in the storeroom just now? Lacey: I sent you in for napkins. Brent: Oh, yeah, right. Man, they are not workin' today. Lacey: What aren't? Brent: The, uh, the little thinking things in your head, to help you think. Lacey: Brain cells? Brent: Brain cells. I'm totally brain dead today. Oscar: Hey, there. Brent: Well, at least I'm not alone. Oscar: What's for breakfast? Lacey: You're a little late. Oscar: Oh. Brent: What's the matter, Mom? Can't sleep? Knittin' monkey on your back? Emma: We went dancing last night. Oscar: Ukrainian dancing. You know, they don't wear clogs. I thought they wore clogs, but they don't. Lacey: Hmm. Emma: Coffee please, strong, black, and delicious. Brent: Well played. But you'll cave first. I don't need coffee. Now why am I holding napkins? Lacey: Everything's gonna be okay. Oscar: Do you have perogies? Only they're not really called perogies. They're pyrohy. Yeah. That's Ukrainian. Emma: Master Linguist. Oscar: Watch your mouth. Lacey: Well, if anyone actually wants to order some non-hypothetical food that's actually on the menu, I'll be back. I have an errand to run. Oscar: Dobra pobachinya. Brent: What's that, Hawaiian? Oscar: Ukrainian, ya jackass. Brent: Yeah? Well, Ukraine is the Hawaii of Eastern Europe. Emma: Drink your milk. Lacey: Great. Hank: Let's set up some cans and shoot 'em. Davis: No. Hank: Come on, I know how to fire a gun. Davis: It's not that. Without that belt, my pants will fall down. Karen: Lacey's car won't start. Davis: Let's roll. Karen: Shotgun! Davis: Grow up, Karen. Wanda: Where were you, locked in a dungeon spinning straw into gold? Brent: So Mom's happy, big deal. Quittin' coffee is hard. Quittin' knittin' is easy, and fun to say, quittin' knittin', quittin' knittin', quittin' knittin'. Wanda: Are you sure you're okay? Brent: I'm beat. I'm takin' the rest of the day off. Wanda: Well, that would make it the entire day off. Davis: You're about to witness a 10-13, Car Won't Start. Hank: Is it safe? Davis: Keep your head down and stay close. You'll be okay. Time to generate some respect. Lacey: Where's your belt? Davis: It's Casual Friday. Lacey: It's Thursday. Davis: Not in Rotterdam. Karen: What's the trouble? Lacey: Oh, it was knockin' on the way over and then I couldn't get it to...you guys wanna be left alone? Hank: Police business. Davis: Nothin' to see here. Karen: You want a ride back? Lacey: I have groceries. Karen: Shout "Shotgun." Lacey: Shotgun. Hank: This is gonna throw off my entire schedule. Brent: I think I figured out how to beat this caffeine thing, booze. Hank: Oh, speakin' of that. Brent: Geez, you're a monster. Wanda: Thanks for the ridealong, guys. Davis: Well, I hope you learned what it takes to be a cop. Wanda: Well, I'm starting to. But there's so much more to learn. Maybe you should swing by and give me another ridealong back to my house in say, uh, two hours? Thanks. Karen: I don't think she learned what it takes to be a cop. Davis: Wow, my first bribe. Karen: I don't think you've learned what it takes to be a cop. Wanda: Hey. How goes the contest? Brent: Ah, Mom puts on a good show, but she'll cave. Hank: Why? What's goin' on? Brent: Mama's quittin' knittin', quittin' knittin'. Hank: Really? She must be goin' through hell. Hank: So, it's a battle of wills. Wanda: Battle of will. Emma's gonna crush Brent. Hank: Hey, don't say that about my boy, here. He's got the stuff to ride this thing out. Wanda: The sad thing is, he's not even drunk. Brent: Oh, right. That's why I don't have one of those. Brent: Hah! Five minutes early. What do you think of that? Coffee monkey off my back. Wanda: This is a whole new attitude. You're bright eyed and bushy tailed. Brent: That's right. Wanda: You're clean. Brent: You bet. Wanda: You're showin' up to work on your day off. Brent: I'll see ya tomorrow. Wanda: Tell the coffee monkey I said hi. Hank: Okay, you have an 8:55 at the Community Centre, then a 9:30 to the post office, then three more ridealongs before lunch. Karen: Can we please not do this? Davis: It was your idea. Karen: No, it wasn't. I wanted respect. Hank: Careful what you wish for. Brian: Hey, Police. Can I have a ridealong to the Liquor store? Davis: We already got a fare. Call ahead. Hank: You better get rollin'. Davis, be careful out there. Davis: You should come with. I wouldn't want to forget anything. Hank: Roger. Karen: Oh, yeah. Really feelin' that respect now. Emma: What are you doing? Oscar: Making a Ukrainian Easter egg. Ivan at the dance lent me this stuff. Emma: Start now, you should be done by Easter. Oscar: Would you rather we were sittin' in front of the tube watchin' that Ben Mulroney do nothin'? Sidewalk Man: Is anyone here a doctor? Ben Mulroney: No. But I'm Ben Mulroney. Sidewalk Man: Let him through. Emma: Isn't this nice? We're getting out more, you found a new hobby. Oscar: Want to paint an egg? Emma: Why don't we do something un-Ukrainian for a change? Where's your clogs? Oscar: You wanna make holubsti? Emma: Not to you. Brent: Do you think there's such a thing as caffeine gum? Lacey: I could let you chew on a used coffee filter. Brent: You say that, but I know you won't. Lacey: Do you want some decaf? Brent: Decaf? The caf is what I need. The caf is the whole point of this. I'm not just jonesin' for some hot brown liquid, with or without caf. I need the caf. Lacey: You need therapy. Brent: That's not caf. It's for a calf. Paul: Maybe it's none of my business, but are you allowed to drink on duty? Karen: Who's to say I am on duty? My partner drove off and left me here. Paul: Well, are you gettin' paid? Karen: Yeah. But I'm not doing anything. Paul: Sweet. Getting paid for not doing anything. I sorta respect that. Karen: Sort of respect is close to respect. Paul: It's what you're getting. Karen: Hmm. Lacey: He looks so peaceful. Wanda: Like a big grumpy baby. Hank: Hey, Brent. Hey, Lacey, was there anything else in the box with this when you got it, like a charger? Lacey: I don't know, maybe. I threw it out. Hank: What? Why would you do that? Lacey: Because I popped all the bubbles. Wanda: So the magic box has run out of wonder juice, huh, Princess Penelope? Hank: Princess? Wanda: Oh. No, wait. That's Brent. Hank: No, the battery's almost dead. But that's okay, I got a plan. First, I'm going to take the appointments in here and put them onto index cards, and then I'm gonna take those... Wanda: So everything's under control, then? Brent: She's not bluffin'. She's kicked the habit. Mom's in touch with her inner non-knitter. Lacey: They do look happy. Oscar: You know, it's not called "the Ukraine," it's just "Ukraine." Emma: Fascinating. Oscar: Would you say "the Canada" or "the Portugal"? Emma: No, I wouldn't say that. Oscar: Canada has more Ukrainians than any other country except one. Can you guess? Emma: Is it the Ukraine? Oscar: Yeah. It's the Ukraine. Emma: I'll be back. Brent: It's time to face facts. She's got me beat. Mom wins. Emma: Needles! Give me the needles! Lacey: Give you what? Emma: I give up. I, I can't take it anymore! I gotta go home and knit. Oscar: What's goin' on? Emma: Oscar, I have known Ukrainians, I have worked with Ukrainians. And you, sir, are no Ukrainian. Lacey: What was that about. Oscar: Ya ne znayu. (I don't know). Brent: Paul, cancel the rye. Bring me a coffee. Oscar: It's 10:30 at night. Brent: Two coffees. Paul: Hey, Karen. Beer? Karen: No, thanks. I'm off duty. How was work? Notice anything missing, anyone missing? Davis: Oh, I feel terrible. Hank lost all my ride along appointments. Hank: There's such a thing as too much technology. Man wasn't meant to... Brent: Keep track of his appointments? Karen: I guess we'll just have to find a new way to reach out. Hank: Well, if there's anything I can do to help. Hank: Hey, kids, stay in school. Category:Transcripts